When It’s thanksgiving and you’re the Turkey

Okay greetings brothers and sisters this Is Sunday November 24th and I did a voice over Yesterday um for it turns out to be Thanksgiving and it's also going to be I Believe The 66th Edition of The Journey series um I think I've Done 160 I don't know maybe it's the 165th It's the 166th and so Um so here's the Thing I was in a sort of state of mind When I made the voiceovers and I think I Wanted to make sure that people got Something positive out of it you know it Talks about the period I talk about the Period of time where I just went through Hell you know that resulted in uh just a 18 years of marriage that was just Brutal and you know the the sadness and The difficulty of you know not reaching Family goals and my family just falling Apart and all these things you know Eventually my my daughter suicide and All the things that led up to it and you Know her development as a person and These Things and you know before that I mean When I was a kid I talked about how I Went through an 18-year rahu Period uh it's a dark planet in the V

Astrology and it was a difficult time From the time I was 10 or 14 or whatever Um 10 till time I was 28 you know the Saturn returns every 28 years and it was Like this thing you know my my youth my Family sucked and you know I I don't Consider myself like I was depressed or Something unhappy because I wasn't but I Wasn't happy either and I wasn't you Know happiness not being a definition of Happiness like you know like the Definition for me of happiness is having A goal and a purpose and I didn't have One till I was 28 so and then I had a Purpose and then I went through this Difficult experience I you know after Two years of doing the SJ Mark system When I when I was with 30 I you know got Into a relationship with somebody who Had mental issues and abuse history and Things and came from a hellish Environment or whatever at least According to her story and then how that Affect me and the kids and you know my Stuff for my family which wasn't great But why I'm saying all these things and I want to put a more positive spin on it Before people listen to it because I've Talked about this a little bit in the Journey series as well you know and I'm Talking about this in reference To the collapse of our Civilization and you know possibly a war Torn country and things and what it's

Like to go through something like that You know which something that's Considered a trauma something that's Considered a difficulty and the thing is The the key to it and I want to give Some techniques here the key to it is to Embrace it with gratitude and I can Speak from personal Experience that when you Embrace things That are Undesirable with Gratitude then they change you're just Changing your perspective and that's What the video is kind of all about this Video is you're changing your Perspective about something that you're Dreading or something that you think is Bad and you prejudge the thing but if Everything comes from God and you Believe that God is doing what's best For you then when you have something Difficult you you know something you Don't want and then you change it and You say like this is like a Technique why is God blessing with me With this when you change something from A curse to a blessing this is a blessing From God in some way and you know it Takes some time it's not like you have To do it immediately but it's a process And there's two parts to it the second Part is looking at it as a blessing so The things already Happened and you know let's say the

System is going to collapse or there's Going to be big changes and there's Going to be a sense of loss maybe sense Of shock and Trauma right like when Things you know change all of a sudden And you know like it just um you get a You know like what happened with Co like There was a there was a worldwide sense Of shock right a sense of for boting and You know people dealt with it Differently but everyone had to cope and Then like when they shut down the system And everyone had to wear masks and all These things it was like you know what's Going on here right like there's Something that's Um you know that's like different and You know that's uh undesirable and you Know it's potentially scary or whatever And so when things happen like that and You know when real things happen like That's you know more of a manufactured Thing Co sucked the disease but the Reaction to it had really nothing to do With the co itself right and it was you Know it was what it was like in terms of Manipulation all these things right but When things you know when you get bad News it might not even be collectively The system collapses but you could end Up being diagnosed with cancer or one of Your loved ones or something you know Like this right when something really Bad happens that um

You have to deal with and it's a shock To your system and your sense of loss And you're like I don't want this thing To happen I don't like this thing I Don't want this thing in my life why is This happening and you can easily go to Why is God doing this to me why is you Know why is God forsaking me I I get Into with Jesus right so I talk a little Bit about that in the video and so the Way to reverse that is to look at at it And Say this is a blessing and you know how Is this a blessing how is this helping Me and you can ask God for an answer but Also you know you're you can just kind Of it could go on Blind Faith that this Is in some way uh this is some way Helping me but you can figure out why Why do I need this why is this happening Why is this part of my life why is my Soul CH chose this the other thing is Taking responsibility that your soul has Chosen everything that happens in your Life And so why am I alive during this time Why am I going through this for what you Know for a positive you know like asking Sincere Questions and you know meditating on This and and finding the answer like how Is this something that I need how is This benefiting me how am I going to you Know for me you know when I went through

This and I've talked about this Before I came into this life with a deep Bitterness towards God like something That's deep inside me and sometimes you Don't know that something's there until Circumstances pull it out like somebody Is a wonderful nice person and then they Get money or power and they turn into Like an ungodly prick right and that Ungodly prick was always inside of them But you didn't you don't know it and I Reference War like things happen and People do things in war that's Reprehensible and then they come back to Civilization like this is a difficulty For American soldiers because they go Into these environments where it's like Just Depressed and people are beaten down and It's like hellish and the the atmosphere And the condition and then they go in as Invading forces and they live under fear And different things like this the wars The recent Wars in Iraq and these places Where there was you know these bombs set By people and it's just random people so They're civilians you're not fighting a War you know enemies you're fighting These civilians and they start thinking Of all civilians as potential you know So-called terrorists Insurgents or whatever you want to call Them their enemy and so they start Abusing the civilians and they come back

To America after the things they've done And the things they've seen and they're Like oh you know they're living in a Culde saac somewhere some you know Suburban neighborhood and they've Entered some other they know that There's places that aren't like that Right you know and so they're they have To reconcile that the the things they've Seen the things they've done but also What people suffer in war like just Civilians When you're being invaded and these Things and the way people will do to Survive and it's just brings out the Worst in people and you know you have Stuff inside of you that can be pulled Out you know whatever is negative inside You whatever hate whatever deviance you Might have like things that you might be Suppressing in a you know in a a cordial World but it comes out in these Different you know circumstances the Darkness within people have the know Darkness might talk about people going To the dark side you you know that's Very easy for people to go in Dark Side You just need to I'm going to get into This as we go through the you know the Video you're about to watch and so you Know the remedy to all this Is is the first part is well second part Is finding gratitude so that you just Find a way to see that this is actually

A good thing and pray for it and say how Is this helping you so for me from past Lives I had some bitterness towards God And I used the cleaning process I was Getting multiple individual sittings From the Sark system and I at the end of It I was just happier like I'm like Right now I'm making more Serotonin and I'm more relaxed and like Just I can't even describe the Difference between the way I was before I went through it I had this thing Cleaned out and this anger and Bitterness I had towards God from some Previous existence was cleaned out and Like I felt it was like a bitterness Like it just you was there like like Just you know like I felt completely Like everything's going to not work out And I felt like whenever you know like It was just blocked you know there was a Block and when the block was removed Through the cleaning process through you Know the difficulty of these things I Was going through the the marriage the You know the Frustration you know the lack of so sort Of success the material world you know Doors closing all the time you know Things looked like they were opening and Getting better then You know all these frustrations I was Having and then being ostracized by my Community and the heartfulness

Organization which of course has blessed Me in so many different ways because This guy dodgy the guy who's current Master is a piece of [ __ ] and the Organizations's collapsed and it made it That much easier for me to accept that And move forward and so I feel like I Was blessed in every possible way Because what I went through on the other End of it I'm I just feel better about Everything and I'm more you know evolved I'm a better person so I went through What's called the cleaning and the Sark System you know and I've described this In depth in Journey series and I got the Multiple sittings and then when I was Went through it like I you know what What I felt like what it felt like to be Me before I went through it this burden I was carrying from maybe multiple lives And and I felt like I had this very long Life a badly lived long life that I you Know a lot of this got cleaned out it Changed my perspective I was you know Just grateful for everything you know I Wanted to be grateful to God but I was Blocked because there was some Frustration and resentment and Bitterness towards God from previous Existences Impressions that I carried Over and when it I got cleaned out Cleaned out of this it just you know was Wonderful like it was just so much Better and I I always you know was

Thinking all the time then and I still Think it now from time to time that if That's all I got from the SJ Mark system And I've gotten a lot more from it the Meditation that I do that would be Enough like that would be just you know Be a miracle in in just one life to you Know take away this burden that we may Be there for thousands of years of Living here on planet Earth maybe even Longer hundreds of thousands tens of Thousands whatever that I carry this Around as a you know as a soul in human Carnation or whatever Incarnations and then that was gone like This you know it was just this Perceivable thing that was removed And just the relief was you know I mean Just a a complete blessing and so like That's the the first part I mean the Second part the first part is that you Can adjust yourself to something that's About to happen and I've been feeling Weird lately and it's been I don't want To say it happened right after the Election because I don't know when it Started not weird but I've been Unsettled and you know it's not a Conscious thing it's not like oh Trump's Won and now I'm unsettled because trumps One or something's going on you know in My life that makes me feel unsettled It's not anything to do with the the Stimulation of what's going on around me

But you know it's something um that's Just internal or subconscious or Whatever you look at like the you know When you're a little kid and you do Those crying Breaths um there's Um you know like you you cried when You're a kid and then maybe an hour Later you breathe and you have this Weird crying breath like I you know I Think most people experience this like I've been having that I don't feel sad At all like you know I don't feel Depressed but like I'm just um there's a Little bit of for boing and so that's You know there could be a personal stuff But I don't believe it's that and other People are saying they feel the same way Like there's you know we're entering Into some kind of a a phase you know you Get warning signs right you know your When there's a storm about to hit Animals will flee an area you'll see Animals just migrating and getting the [ __ ] out of someplace right and so um When that happens you know it's there There's intuition and they can just feel Something coming right we all have those Things there and I don't know why it's Going ahead and I don't know what it's Going to be and I don't you know Whatever it is and you know maybe that's Nothing but you know if it is something You you it's been forewarned right and

You know I have these predictions and Prophecies and things about all this Stuff and we see what's going on the World and so if something's about to Happen and there's going to be widescale Change and we have to work towards Gratitude once it happens like that's The second part then the first part is To prepare for it internally in some way Right and so the best example of this is The second master Sark system when he Was going through his spiritual journey He said he would he would find out what God and you know his spiritual master And you know the Divinity of Soul the Next stage for his spiritual journey Like there was there was these forces That are helping him along his spiritual Journey and he would anticipate the next Stage he would figure out what was going To happen you know by praying and by Being open to it being you know uh you Know uh going to an etheric State of Consciousness and figure out what was Going to happen Internally and adjust himself like those Were the words he used which I thought Is a good word to make it happen to Facilitate an easier transition to the Next stage of his internal journey and This can also be done to the material Changes which you know always manifested To spiritual changes internal changes by Internally adjusting to what's going to

Happen and preparing for it internally Accepting it and you know working Towards gratitude and you know just you Know understanding the shock and the Trauma that you know the worldwide Trauma and fear and all these things That are going to be pervading the Atmosphere there's going to be people Feeling fear and anger and hatred and All these negative feelings coming up When you know there's widescale changes If this is what's happening and Adjusting yourself and realizing that This is part of a plan and that there's There's a solution for you there's a Pathway toward success for you in this And you don't know what it is like you Think it's bad but what if it isn't like Think about the things in your life that You thought were really bad but after You went through them you were like oh This really was a blessing or even Things that you still think are bad but Now you look at it again and you're like Oh like how do you find blessings and Things that were considered miseries Right you know these types of things you Know and just one more thing to add to This like I am seeing feeling like I'm Going down memory lane I've watched a Lot of documentaries of things where as A youth I got in some you know I became Aware of some of my classmates from high School which I want to talk about like

You probably already heard that I'm Going to talk about that today in Another video and then there's just Things going on where I'm aware of the Manipulation there's been you know men Have been targeted which we know from The election was a thing and men being Targeted and it's you know there's the Feminists and there's the liberal agenda But then there's It's happening so it must be part of God's plan kind of thing right and you Know taking down the Structure because the power structure You know this is a patriarchy in Whatever way and I had seen this trailer For this movie blink twice and Shan Shanning Tatum plays a a billionaire who Takes these people to an island and Drugs them and Trauma happens and it Turns out like the women end up taking Snake Phenom and they it's like five Women and five guys and the women are Being abused at night and then they are Given a memory erasing Drug and it's a horrible movie I fast Forwarded through it um and at the end The woman uh you know it's not worth Watching but it's like there's they talk About human sacrifice and it's like Supposed to be kind of a almost an Illuminati movie but it's just Men Behaving Badly and two women you know The women wake up to what's happening

They kill the men And one and one woman takes Shane Tatum Erases his memory and marries him and Takes his money and takes control of his Company and punishes all the men that Were involved in the thing right and you Know it's this woman empowerment thing And men are demons and you know all These things um there was Another uh a Netflix series called a man In full which sucked with Jeff Daniels and you know it's the way it Treats the men in in the movie they're Just making bad decisions and the women Are sitting there trying to to help them Like the women are all stable and They're all like you know more involved And the men are just making to terrible Decisions and the two white guys who are Like in Conflict end up dying at the end Of the thing you know uh one together And they're like you know their conflict Sort of you know the the men just do Stupid [ __ ] and the women are there Cleaning up their messes and then there Um show that my wife and I watched Together which was like a good show Called um three body problem and there's Some like and I make reference to this Uh in my other video earlier but the Women in the the show are the Smart Ones And they're the leaders and the men are Just Dopey doing Dopey stuff and the Women are you know the ones that are you

Know um the they're the scientists and The leaders and the things like this and They're the stable ones you know it's It's more but it's always there and you Know they're putting this stuff out There and it's this movement and you Know people watch things and it changes Their perspective and they've been doing That in movies for now for a while it Works on people on a subconscious level You know without thinking about well how Is this going to affect an Already uh you know [ __ ] up you know Stuff that has been put out there with Gender and all these things and you know There is a system and it's you know not The best system and know the patriarchy Isn't the best maybe model or whatever And you know men have um you know There's a time of some of there there's Some truth in it right and so you know There's the end of this thing like the End of the you know the so-called man Right when people said you know the man Is this you know don't I gotta I got to Avoid the man you know this kind of Thing that the hippies used to say and So you know these things are coming to An end like there's just this stuff you Know I see you know generational Thinking coming to an end and these kids Today are so much different and it's the End of all kinds of different paradigms Of family being destroyed all these

Things and you know the end of Ultimately the system itself and you how Do people deal with that and what Happens next of course that's the whole Point behind pockets of the future and So when you're entering in a phase where Things are being destroyed and there's No real plan you know they have a plan The people control the system but their Plan will not it will not come to Fruition and so there's going to be a Destruction of one thing the power Structure being taken down and then the Absence of something else to take its Place which is again the idea behind poy Future so being prepared for this the Best way that you can adjusting yourself To what's going to happen having an open Mind about what it is and searching for Gratitude those are the keys to this and So as I go through this story you know I Was able to do that through all these Things that I'm talking about here I've Learned these techniques I've learned How to do it take some work on your part And you know it has to just be done to Survive something right otherwise you're Just being traumatized and you know and You're saying why me and you you're Being a victim about things and you know That doesn't help you at all it's just Um it ends up being a block to allowing What's supposed to happen to happen and So you know these are the techniques

That are there for people who are going To embrace them and so I'm you know uh And just being aware like you might not Be thinking about this thing right now But when things start to go down you Know like you know like they're going Down right like it's it's going down When you realize that like yeah that This stuff is actually really Happening then you can remember this Maybe rewatch this video and whatever it Is so this is going to be a standalone Video saying you know it's uh it's Thanksgiving and you're the turkey it's When you're when it's Thanksgiving and You're the turkey which is kind of just A humorous title and also it's going to Be the 166th edition of The Journey Series and you know it's going to be the Same video uh in both places so without Further Ado here it is okay greetings Brothers and sisters this is a video That's going to be published as a Standalone video for my regular channel Entitled it's Thanksgiving and you're The Turkey um which I got a lot of enjoyment Out when the title came to me picking a Title is never great but this is also Going to be the 164th 66th Journey Series uh that's just going to be this Voiceover that I did if you might have Heard it already when I published it on

Thanksgiv giving and so this is going to Sound a little bit I think depressing to People I didn't feel depressed when I Was talking about it just you know Thinking about things in a way that Wasn't as cheery or as hopeful as some Of my other Videos and so um you know it's Thanksgiving and people might be already Bummed out because people get bummed out In the holidays and you know you might Take it as something that's depressing So I'm just you've been forewarned um But I you know I felt like it was just a Lot of you I get into my daughter's Suicide and my family and my ex's family And just all these things and you know Life in general and hope and false hope And denial and things like that so it's Not like you Know you you proceed at your own risk Right without further Ado here it is Okay greetings brothers and sisters so Um this is going to seem a little bit Somber I'm not depressed or anything I'm Just keeping it Real this is just a realistic talk and This might bum people out in some way or Another but it's just the you know every Story Has a positive and a narrative uh Negative way of saying it right when I Was in India um there was this great guy From from aan who he did some sort of um

I don't know like A presentation seminars that Were I don't want to call them um you Know these things that you see here in America where people do these um they go To these Retreats and there's some Public speaker and how to be a winner You know these kind of things like CU it Was you know the guy was more sincere Than that right but you have these you Know these sort of gurus that people go To see in these seminars to you know Pump them up and get inspired you know Inspirational type of um whatever they Are right that that really tall guy I Forget his name but you you know what I'm talking about you know those kind of People he it's kind of like that but Like this guy was a real person and you Know a neat authentic cool person like a Good Person and my family and I was going Through Something difficult you know we were Going through a lot of difficult things In India and I was talking to people There I mean it might have been the Crisis we were having with immigration Or whatever it might be and um you know We had overstate our visa and there was Just was whole hellish thing we had to Go through this thing with the Indian Bureaucracy that no one should ever have To go through it's just really bad and

At the time my ex I mean during that she Went off for thyroid medication for a Week and which is like like as hell um She was on this thyroid medication and When she wasn't on it she would get not Only physically sick but she would get Emotionally like I was supposed to watch For the signs even if she was like if Her dosage wasn't enough she kept on Upping her dosage and when her dosage Would wouldn't be enough it would be you Know she would go into some emotional Hell right you know which I I'll kind of Get into in a bit but um you know there Was Um that was happening and we are Basically our you know our relationship Was ending all these things I guess I I'll talk about these things more in a Bit but it was a really dark time and he Said things differently than everybody Else like everyone else was hitting the Panic button about our situation when I Talked to them and he was like reframed It like in a different way and one of The great things about the Sark system Is when you're going through something Difficult is a misery as blessing you Know misery is divine Blessings because they're cleaning out Things miseries are that block you from Your connection to God and if you can Reframe it as being something you're Grateful for a misery it becomes a you

Know a blessing and so it's one of the The great aspects of the Sark system so If you can turn a problem uh you know a Misery into a blessing in your own mind And look at it as such it changes Everything right it's a great thing and So there's that like um you know and I Often frame things like be grateful you Know I say at the end you know that's What I'm talking about you know be Grateful is um you're grateful for Whatever God's given to you right but You know in that same light you know in That same you know whatever it is um a Positive way of of viewing things There's also you can look at anything There's people who get good things in Their life and they make them worry Right they make them miserable when Things are going well right there's that Great song by that uh rapper NF about It's called happy and how he's you know It's he gets more worried or at least You know he's singing about people or Himself I don't know that um when They're happy they get concerned right They're so used to not being Happy that it feels in congruent to them And that's a lot of people and things Are going well for them they get a few Breaks then they're just worried about How the things are going to be taken Away from them right that how this thing That you know they have this Oasis of a

A brief time where their life doesn't Suck and they worry more About that you know that then uh when is It going to stop like they're just you Know when they're miserable they know All right this is what I'm used to I Feel safe I feel you know this is Congruent this is what I deserve but Then when they have this brief moment Success or happiness or something and They're miserable because they're Waiting for it to be taken away you know I'm very aware of this and something This is the main part of what I talk About that just was like um the Beginning is about that you can Restructure anything to sound positive Put a positive spin or a negative spin On anything right you can take a Situation and it could be a doomsday or An opportunity it can be a blessing or a Curse right but having said that you Know one of the reasons that I hope that People can see that I'm neutral I might Come off as harsh about people being you Know going to the dark side or you know When you look at people who end up being What people other people consider evil You know criminal whatever it is and um Of course there's some sociopaths and Some people are just hardwired to be bad But um you know there's a lot of people That just things went South right And when you look at homeless people and

You look at you know people who and you Know you don't want to look at them Because they represent uh something that Could happen to you like any person in The world whatever they're going Through could be something that could Happen to you right and people who have B gone through some [ __ ] in their life Like real horrible things like they've Had a a time in their life where they Were in a traumatic situation know what I'm talking about when you wake up every Day and life seems hopeless and not Because you're depressed like chemically Like you know that's that's also it Right but like that's like who you are Like you wake up every day and like some People are just born with or they have You know given the circumstances of our Society the effects of food and toxins And they wake up and miserable like they Just you just don't think you're ever Going to get out of your miserable Situation your wake up feeling hopeless Every day and people do that some of you Guys listen to that are feeling that now Or have gone through that right no other People have gone through it where you Wake up and I have went through a period Like that which I'll describe in a bit Right where life is just Hopeless and you know this could happen Circumstances of your life can change Where it just seems like everything goes

Against you and it can happen quickly Like you're you're happy or everything's Going great and all of a sudden you get Diagnosed with cancer and that sets off A series of you know next thing you know You're addicted to paid medication right Like it's just you know one thing leads To another and then you know things just Won't go right like I If You're had a Really beat up old car and you fix one Thing in the car and something else Breaks and then you fix that and then You before you know it you realize you Could have bought a whole new car right And then eventually the car just won't Run you're like this thing's just you Know this won't work anymore and that Happens eventually in everybody's body Where just your system starts to fail You have system in your body that starts To fail you got your vascular system and You got your digestive system and you Got your you know your your your lung Your you know the way that you uh you Your your ability to breathe and things Like this respiratory System um you know whatever these Systems are right these are systems in Your body that that function in a way And you have these organs that do Certain amount of work and like any kind Of a a mechanical device your body is a Machine right your body is a mechanical Device that these different things work

Together to make the whole thing work And then you start having these systems That start failing right kidney failure And liver failure and heart failure and These things right and as you you as These organs start to fail and you get Older and the whole system starts Breaking down and it's just you know Every time you go to the doctor you get More bad news right and then you realize Oh I'm dying like I'm just going to die Now and that's just what's happening and You got to come to terms with that and You go through a process and you know Most people die poorly because they've Lived poorly and so they're Psychologically [ __ ] already and all These things but you know I'm aware of This like everyone's just one bad day Away from going over to the dark side Like it just happens and circumstances Can infold tragedies you know broken Hearts and you know things where people Have just m treat each other you know Abusive situations that just you know Bad luck or whatever people want to Frame it as that everyone's just like One bad day from going over to the dark Side to where they're miserable hateful Like they look at everyone else who's Happy and they're jealous and spiteful And angry and hostile and just you know Whatever I mean some people just don't Have that in them they don't have that

In them they don't have hatred in them They don't have this stuff envy and Things so when they go through it it's a Little bit lesser it's not so powerful But people who don't have a lot of anger In their system or a lot of jealousy or Things like that some people have more Of that kind of stuff than others but Either way you know when things just go South and everything gets hopeless you Know there's um this write up that went Around maybe like five years ago it Describes some country that the economy Collapsed and it was like this hellish EnV Ironment that everything degraded into Gangs like Housewives were Pro Prostituting themselves for food and you Know local communities devolved into Gang Warfare you know the people who had The most weapons and were the most Violent took over and everyone else was In fear and there was these various Gangs and there's no rule of law and There's shortages of everything and it Just describe this hellish environment That happened like just the economy Collaps and then within weeks the whole System Community devolved into that Right like most people have in their House less than a week's worth of food Like after a week after the system Breaks down we all saw this during covid When the grocery stores um you know when

They were out of everything you know There was a rush on toilet paper but Like canned goods and things during Covid we all saw this right Banks Couldn't um didn't have enough cash to Give out like we went to our bank to Withdraw some cash and then Bank the Bank was like oh we don't have any more Money like you know and we weren't Withdrawing like a lot it was just they Were like can you take a little bit less Because we don't have enough cash on Here and I'm like well that's every bank Then like every Bank in the country is You know everyone's going to withdraw Cash because people are panicked and you Know this is happening like it's like a Run on banks that was just from covid And that was [ __ ] you know the stuff To do with Co that was so exaggerated I Mean it sucked but you know was you know They used it as a like a a fear-based Thing and they closed the economy for The first time and me the history of America our economy's ever been closed Out in fact when something bad happens They go go out and spend money and and Do the economy I mean other than Whatever happened in the depression Which was an economic collapse but even Depression like people reverting to Cannibalism within a short period of Time like there's ways that people you Know behave when they're in a war torn

Situation and it's not good like the Worst comes out of you when they say the War is hell you know my brother went Around and he was counseling Vietnam Veterans and the stories that he was Getting from these guys because they're Psychologically [ __ ] up because things They saw and he I'm not going to tell You some of the stories because they're Brutal and they're confidential brother Shouldn't have told me you know some of The things and they're horrible stories Like like you know I worked in treatment Centers with kids who had been sexually Abused and abuse other kids and this These kids lived in hell like it just When You' read their intake uh you know Their intake uh you know report file and All the things that that went on in Their lives right so like like I had um One kid who you know his younger brother Showed up like he was a seven-year-old Kid and he was in with the other Seven-year-old kids and he was acting Sexually so they put him in our cottage Which was 10 year olds and above but he Was seven he was within this with 10-year-old kind of predators you know The kids also get to ad acted out Sexually I mean it's just so sick right But he was in the The Cottage with the Little kids and he was so creepy with The little kids they had to put him in a Big you know with the older kids which

Was you know whatever it was and one day His little brother showed up like and I'll tell you about his life in a in a Moment and his little brother like was This you know five four or five-year-old Kid he had glasses on and he was like in A little suit maybe with a bow tie or Something like it was something like That like or just a little tie and a Social worker brought the kid in right It was a cute little kid you know he Looked like he was just kind of innocent Right and I was like well I knew she Would brought the kid to say goodbye to Her Brother like the social work was a woman That you know brought this kid in to say Goodbye to her brother and I go well What's going on what's wrong with him She goes well he has AIDS and I was like Holy [ __ ] [ __ ] right I was looking at This kid and going he's had [ __ ] AIDS Right like he just [ __ ] hit me and I Knew about the family like the parents Took these two little boys out as a Young age like you know toddlers they Were prostituting these two little boys Right like this is real [ __ ] like people Hear about Jeffrey Epstein you know People hear about these kind of things But I was seeing it like real [ __ ] [ __ ] before you know I was ever on the Internet like this is you know 1990 um I guess uh two what am I

Thinking here like 1990 something right So like 1990 so I started meditating in 1993 so this is 1993 or 4 uh when this happened so like I was on The internet I didn't know you know I Didn't know anything about any of this Kind of stuff right and these parents Were like drug addicts and criminals and They trained these kids to like little Monkeys to to do sexual favors for People and also pick pickpocket them and Steal things you know for a very young Age and so the kids were like completely [ __ ] and somehow this little boy was Given age and or HIV and it turned into AIDS during that process the other his Brother was seven and they were just you Know and I it just like hit me like I Was like depressed and just like like You know like I wanted to die like it Was like like just the the reality of These kids' lives right like there was a Lot of [ __ ] I saw a lot of bad stuff and You know a lot of things that I heard or Whatever read in the reports and you Know and just horrible and there was Just all these treatment centers all Over the country with kids like this That were sexually abused in some way or Some and they had acted out and abused Other kids who are now [ __ ] up too and You know and these kids were all Traumatized and then you know all these Things right A lot of these kids most

The kids that I work with were going to Be institutionalized the rest of their Life they were just miserable and the Institution themselves was well let's Group a bunch of sex offenders together And give them some [ __ ] therapy that Doesn't work and let them you know it's Just like putting all the prisoners Together you put all the worst people Together and they just get worse and Then the security guards right the um The prison guards they get bad like There was this um young woman like she Was Um uh a New York City when I went to to Get my second chance at college or my Third chance this is what I graduated From and I went to Springfield College School of Human Services Springfield was A town I used to go cuz my older sister Lived there she was a social worker There and it was right on the border of Connecticut and um and Massachusetts it's where the Basketball Hall of Fame is and so I went up there a Few times they had a little Zoo my Sister would bring me to when I was a Kid I I went stayed with her for about a Week and I ended up working near there This is where the first Treatment Center I I worked with and so it's you know Pretty close to um Connecticut where I Lived I remember driving up there and Getting my ears pierced on some Sunday

Like we went up there me and my friend's Brother and he was um he had his ear Pierced and I we were like kind of a Little bit drunk and we went up there to Buy alcohol cuz uh Connecticut had these Laws where you couldn't buy alcohol on Sunday and I ended up getting it my ear Appeared for like you know which is like Stupid but you know um but you know was This place that I was familiar with and I ended up going to college there and They had a good program where you could Um get credit for life experience like College credits and so they had a lot of People who were social workers it know Was a Human Service program and people Who worked in like prisons or worked in Some kind of uh human Serv service Related field and people would come up Cuz it's was more adults it was for People who were like you know working Already and had you know had jobs Sometimes families and they had long Weekend classes right so people would You know work during the week and then Would come up with these long weekend Classes and there was a woman there she Looked like Lauren Hill the singer for The Fuji you know was a popular band at The time really nice girl she was you Know 20 I was in my layer 20 she must Have been maybe in her 30s and um we were in a couple of groups Together and she was working at a

Security guard she was like good-look Like she was in petite you know small I Mean prison guard and the her fellow Co-workers said if she didn't have sex With one of them they were going to set Her up with the prisoners so she would Get raped by the prisoners like that's What the prison guards were doing right And she reported it was the whole thing Like you know there was like these Prison guards were ended up being like Criminals because they were working in These prisons right because they around [ __ ] criminals all the time and I you Know experienced that because when you Work in treatment centers you're around The worst drgs of society and it's you Know the Opposite of what the SJ Mark system is Is about the other thing I was doing at The same time so I started meditating And the Sark system is based in you know There's the master of the system and There's the various practitioners And their and the master of the system Is just on a higher level you know not Now with commish because he [ __ ] it But um the current Master of the system But chargie was when you around him like His energy and his Consciousness it's Hard you can't I can't even describe it You know it most people have people in Their life who are just better like They're the people you go to and you

Feel positive when you leave their their Company you know you've met somebody Like that a teacher you know uh you know Somebody who's just operating on a Higher level they just have a better Energy and they or just people in your Life that pull the best out of you and Then you have friends and people who When you're around them you do stupid [ __ ] and you like you know you're you're A worse person like they bring you down You have people who bring you up and People bring you down like you have Those people that you've experienced in Your life like I hope you have like I Can't imagine you maybe you have and you Just don't know it that's [ __ ] too but You know it's people who pull you to a Higher level of Consciousness right and That just to many of you is what you get Here with me because for years and years I had that with charie right and they Not only charie but they're preceptors And people who did the Sark system that Were just on a higher level and did they Have their bad day sure do they have Their human day sure they're not you Know they're not infallible but when Someone's a saint like that's what it Was like to be around Jesus or Buddha or Any number of the Saints Krishna you Know these various High developed Souls The ones that were actually you know Spiritually elevated and when you meet

Someone like that they have this energy They just walk in the room and you're Like who the hell who the hell is that Right you can just feel it especially The people who are sensitive and they Pull people up so I was in this Experience where I was working in Treatment centers where I was being Pulled down by the drgs of society and Their families and all of it right like There was this guy that came in you know He was working in the lower Cottage and He just came in as the a unit manager For it was like there was a a manager For each end of the week like there was Um a manager from Wednesday till uh till Uh Sunday and then Monday through Wednesday Sunday um Monday through Saturday I'm sorry Wednesday through Saturday and Sunday through Wednesday And the staff would all come in on Wednesday for a staff meeting so there Was an overlap right and there's a Manager for each end of the week and he Came in was manager for the you know my End of the week which was the the Wednesday through Saturday and the kids Loved him the young kids loved him he Was in the The Cottage where it was all Like kindergarten through you know uh Nine 9 to 10 years old and he was doing Well there you know really young kids And our Cottage was 10 to 14 you Sometimes there's some overlap with ages

Like I said some young kids would be Moved up because they were so horrible And then they would be like you know They were bullying the younger kids and Now they are being bullied like it was The whole [ __ ] thing right but the Guy came in and he you know got into This with this one kid who was really Tough the staff like this kid was a Nightmare he was hard to restrain he had Punched his principal he was sexually Abused by his mom and he was like a a Just like a horrible horrible kid and Just really tough and he came in and Went like had this really like he Thought if he if he won over the Toughest kid that you know he would have Better control of the cottage and it Just caused chaos cuz they were there Was they had this weird you know Relationship you know where he's like There was a time where the kid went to Court and this guy took the kid to court And his mom you know was denied custody Because she had sexually abused him and She ran out of the courtroom and the kid Who you know was because of his abusive Behaviors was not allowed to be out in Public right without being supervised And the kid just runs out of the Courtroom and so this the guy had to run Him down and restrain him like on the Steps of the Court like you know people Are walking in lawyers and people and

He's like [ __ ] getting this kid in a Restrain right and so the whole thing Erupted and like the whole place was Just in chaos like I never it was the Worst time that I worked there right the Kids were all triggered all the time and And there was just everyone hated this This guy so he had this idea to to um Have a family Picnic and there was a park that I was Familiar with like I had gone there and Later I'd bring my own kids to it years Later but it was a park that had like Paddle boats and you know [ __ ] like that Right you know and most of these parents Had lost custody of their kids to the State rightfully so but the state wasn't Any better right so you know they take These kids out of their homes they stick Them in foster care where their kids are Abused by their foster parents or by Other kids or you know any number of Thing it's just like a [ __ ] mess Right it's I can't even get into how Much of a mess the system is and I'm Getting away I'm not even close to what I was going to talk about here so but The parents showed up and these parents Were like you know dregs of society and I looked at the parents like I known Some of them but they were just bad and They start yelling at their kids their Kids are freaking out and the kids are All triggered because their parents are

There and their parents were horrible And they miss their parents and love Them but they they you know they're I Mean the parents are just the whole Thing just devolves into this mess and I'm like this is what like a picnic is For these families right like somebody's Getting raped somebody's getting knifed You know so like it's just like Everything's like bad right like it just You know there's just criminal behavior And just you know fighting and you know It's a kind of like you were you were at Some place and there's a family over There and you're like that family's [ __ ] up well there was you know 20 of These families Al together right like Just some you know horrible people right And there's just levels of degradation Out there that people aren't aware of But anyways let's get to the main point Here so like when Society breaks down There's no food in the grocery store and Whatever could happen like there's a you Know a break in your I we see this with The hurricane and things like this you Know we saw it with various you know Katrina with the New Orleans we see with The people in North Carolina and uh uh Georgia and South Carolina and you know Florida we've seen it a bunch of times You know where there's you don't have All the things you normally have you're A desperate situation but if you're

Invaded by another country or you're Being bombed or there's a war and you Know War just brings out the [ __ ] Worst in people it's bad like and that's Probably coming to us like we'll Experience it and whatever you are like Now right now in your life where you Have like a heated room and you know Heated house and a you know food in the Refrigerator and a car to drive places And you know things to watch on TV and Things to do on the internet imagine if All that [ __ ] was gone and you don't Know where your next meal's coming from And everybody around you now is a Predator let's say you have stuff then You're worried about people coming to Your house and taking it there's no cops No rule of law you know these types of Things and how quickly things can Degrade and you'll see this many people Will experience this you know it just Takes a few people to panic and get Aggressive and start trying to steal Things from other people or force their Will on other people or whatever it is To where everyone stops trusting Everybody else like you see this in all These post-apocalyptic movies where People are seen as a threat and a Predator like everybody's coming into Your territory wherever you are and you Know like that movie the road you know Where people devolved into cannibalism

And everybody's a potential cannibal Because there's no food so every person You see you're wondering if they're Going to try to eat you right they're Going to try to kill you meet you and Everybody that comes across you like These things and it's hard to imagine Like put yourself in that situation what Kind of person you'll be in that Situation you know what people are like When they're in war in war torn Countries because we have an experienced It but you know everyone's one bad day Away from or this kind of Situation uh of turning to the dark side And I know this because it just is it's Just how it is you know you have a Potential Saint in you a soul and you Have a an ego and you have within that Ego and your subaric framework and your You know your survival Tendencies as an Animal like what an animal will do to Survive like what a animal will do when It's constantly under a state of fight Or flight like this kind of thing and People have that in them they have Darkness in them they have anger and Hatred in them whatever and we can see It we see it being pulled out now with Trump and with KLA Harris and the Division in our country and the hatred And you know families that can't sit Down for Thanksgiving meal anymore Because of the political differences

Right you already start to seeing it You're seeing the the you know ugliness Of people being brought out of them the Hatred the you know the the the darkness Within so I woke up this morning I was Thinking about my daughter Anna is Suicide um you know and she Was just a horrible person um Like she wasn't like that when she was a Baby but she had some things like Whatever she came in with uh she used to Let out these blood curling screams you Know of my four children when she was Born she was the only one like I I Wept like I was listening to this song By um The Moody Blues well she was the Only one of my three kids where I had a Strong sense of her Soul before it came in right her older Brother was born And I was like well that's my ex was Older she already had two kids and I got Sad one day and I was like that's Probably it we're not going to have any More kids right which you know it was This kind of moment and my ex was she Had some sort of she was like abused but She had like psychic abilities right she Had family abuse and things which also Often opens up psychic abilities that Are not trustworthy because a person's Fragmented but they're you know they're Able to connect with spiritual whatever It is mediums or something but you know

There was this thing that happened where We got in touch with the soul that was Waiting to be born you know when a Woman's um going to be a mom there are These Souls that will be with them will Be around them waiting for them to be uh You know to get pregnant right they're Waiting to create their bodies and so You can see the souls around young women Especially ones who are you know close To getting pregnant like women who are In their college Years or you graduate College or whatever sometimes in high School obviously you know whatever it is But there are souls that around them That are you know waiting for the chance To be born into that family like when People say well I never chose to be born Well that's not true your soul is Already your soul has to create your Body right you know you're alive in your Your your mother's womb you know they Can show you what you look like and You're living a life you're you know You're in your your your mother's em You're uh in your mother's uterus and You're you're living you're moving Around like you feel baby's kick right So you think there's no soul in there That's why you know abortion is is Murder because you know you you see that The baby's moving around you can hear The heartbeat like you know there's a Life in there they put the the

Ultrasound it was a you know it's a big Day when you and the ultrasound is you Know I I I hearing that my wife has told Me and I've heard so I haven't done Research on it but it's not a good thing And you know of course it wouldn't be uh You know you're in a safe environment And you're developing very rapidly I Mean you're developing from uh two cell Organism like an egg and a sperm like This you know zygote and you develop Into a human being with nine months Right like it's crazy like the birth Process is where a mammal or any Creature develops Quickly you know an egg you you know There's an egg and there's a little dot On the egg like a fertilized egg and if You have a rooster so like you have Chickens and rooster you'll see the Little Dot and the yolk is the chicken Food and so the there's a little dot That is attached to the yolk and that's The baby chick it's nothing more than a Speck like a day after you know if it's If the egg has been fertilized you know You open you get an egg and you and you You'll you know you get an egg that's Been fertilized you'll see this little Dot and then within a period of 23 days It becomes a chick like the kind of Chicks you see in like a a tractor Supply store if you ever seen a baby Chicken right you know 23 days it

Becomes from a DOT to a chicken crazy Like a little tree like a you know a Little Acorn you know in a 100 years Becomes a giant Oak right but it Develops into a sapling in these things It starts to grow and how quickly things Is able to you know change especially in The pre the primary years and that's What happens with a baby and so it's a Living thing right and you there's Soul There that connects with you know the The mother ahead of time and the father It's around the parents and it's there When you're you know having sex when You're you know when you're there's a Soul with you a third Soul that's Wanting to be born and it's creating This body so we felt Anna's Soul ahead Of time um and and uh I remember coming Home from the Hospital um and I heard this song from I Don't like this song I mean I I never Thought about it but I just playing on The radio and I'm kind of in a days you Know there was a lot of she was born in The middle of the night you know Midnight or whatever you know and There's just something about when a Child's born and being around that it's A miracle like it's a miracle of human Life right the potential that's there You know you have this potential Saint That's there of course you most people Turn out pieces of [ __ ] you know but I

Mean there's this you know element of Like just you know there's just Something there right there's a baby is Just this pure you know pure potential And it's just great like it's just a Wonderful thing you know those people Have been around you know the birth Process when you see a new born baby and Then when you're you you're you're a kid Or whatever um and like that first you Know moment where you see this person That's going to be a part of your life Right you know and then there like the Miracle of birth birth you know and all These these you know the four births all Had their they're interesting but the Thing with Anna she had a nice birth With the you know with the the other one Was very my my son's birth was much more Um you know dramatic and the way it Happened and there was like a lot of Stress involved and her birth was this Great Doctor Who wasn't my ex's doctor But was in the same practice and he was My doctor and I really like this guy and He just sat back and let the thing Happened like he just wasn't it was just Him and a nurse who used to be a midwife Who was just great and so and it Happened at midnight it was this thing Like she was she was born at 1201 she Could have been born she was born at 1159 her brother's birthday her older Brother who was a year old you know they

Both born on Mother's Day it was this Kind of thing that happened right and She was born the the 9th he was born the 10th but they were separated the days She was born at at 11:59 like one minute Later they would have had the same Birthday right but they had these two Separate birthdays and I was driving Home and it said um so I started to hear This song right um I'm looking for I Look and at this part I'm looking for Someone to change my life and looking For a miracle in my life and if you Could see what that's done to me to lose The love I knew could safely lead me Through between the Silence of the Mountains and the crashing of the Seas There lies a land that I once lived and She's waiting there for me and I don't Know why this thing is just like the Miracle in my life kind of thing and I'm Listening to this thing and I just start Like weeping like I just like get really Like you know overcome with emotion Which you know just doesn't happen to me Like it just I don't I I can't think of It uh so many other times this has Happened you know and with the other Burst it didn't happen right but Anna Was you know she had some great Characteristics and you know uh Qualities but she was like like Difficult from the beginning right she Would be later diagnosed as bipolar as a

A young adult when she was no longer I Was no longer in contact with her but She um you know my ex had uh well I'll Get into that in a bit like her family Um but She would let out these blood curdling Screams for no reason like it was you Know we had a a friend who came over to Stay with us when we had two young kids So we had two like a one-year-old or a 2-year-old and Anna would be in the high Chair and for no reason she just let out These screams and they were like they Would hurt you like they physically Would hurt you and this woman was like Oh my God how do you guys take that like She was like it's awful and I'm like I Don't know like she just does that like She just you know she had she was like Kind of Insomniac and had adrenal issues My ex was having adrenal Al issues Because of the stress she was you know She was still going through a divorce Process you know like the like a Extended divorce why these kids were Being born and our lives were hell and Stressful and she had lived a you know Difficult life and so you know Anna Developed uh like Insomnia and you know her mom had it Like you know my ex was Insomniac and It's just a horrible thing you know when I went to graduate school at that time I Was in graduate school and that was very

Stressful like it was a lot of stress we Had like of all the the things that that A marriage can have we had eight of the The top 10 stressors right that would You know marriage divorce you know uh Child birth uh you know uh like poverty You going back to school like you know All these things that that cause Stresses in people's lives right there You know all at once and you know she Just had these things and she was she Was difficult you know Oppositional Defiant would be a diagnosis that could Have been for her but she was just Really tough on the other kids and just As things developed like it got worse When she was a teenager like she was you Know there was there was good times and Bad times with her but she was just High Need and high maintenance right well let Me go back to like I woke up just Feeling this right like I was just aware Of it why was in my meditation I don't Know what's going on with me today but It's just this thing that came and I was Just remembering this moment when I Realized my family you know where I was The dad sucked like my family sucked and We were [ __ ] Doomed like it was bad because there's Always things can go one way or Another and Life Works in such a way That you know hope is like almost like a You know like a a negative thing you

Know hope is something where you know And I've talked about hopium with the Cubies like hope can be a horrible thing Because it keeps you from confronting The reality of your Situation you know things can change in A moment I mean one of the things that Um in the SJ Mark system is that as long As there's life there's hope that the Person will change like even to your Dying breath there's a you know you can Have a momentary you know the worst Person of the world on their deathbed Can you know say God please forgive me Right and they're not going to be be Saints in that moment but it's a good Thing it's a trend towards the right Direction right like a dying person Their last breath who's lived a horrible Shitty life you know Scrooge Scrooge McDuck or the real Scrooge you know the Worst type of people whoever they are You know murderers uh you know the worst Type of you know people live horrible Lives but you know a lot of the people Who are criminals were sexually abused Or you know came from horrific Circumstances right right so you have to Remember that that you know often times You know and it isn't like they're Victims Because where do they what do they do in A past life like this kind of thing

Right so it's I mean not that to blame People but it's just that's that has to Be there where whatever happens to you You got to realize that um you know you Were something in the Past and whatever that was good bad and Ugly is going to be there in your future The part you know unless you've you've Dealt with things and you've sort of Cleansed those Tendencies from previous Existences they're going to be there in Your next existence if you commit Suicide in this life then your next life You're you're going to have um you know The circumstances where you're likely to Commit suicide in your future life right Whatever it is but I woke up thinking About all this because there was no Chance for The family and the marriage to be Successful Because both my family and my ex's Family were Horrible and we both had this Idea that somehow we would turn it Around like individually and together That we would take the shitty families That we came from and because of the Sjar meditation the cleaning and because We were just you know better people than Our parents or whatever that we somehow Would change the tra trajectory of our Existence from our shitty families and Make a good family and like that just

Doesn't happen like it it can happen Like people get better you know the idea Is that Um as shitty as your parents were you'd Be a little less shitty like you'd be Better like that's the way it should be Like each generation should be better Than the last but that's not what's Happening right now everybody's getting Worse we see it like I now know from my Life you know from the years the Different Generations that I've seen you Know the generations that were there Before my generation and the generations That's come after and we've become worse People kids born today are worse than Kids born in my generation just based in The trajectory and the way that we're Going we're going downwards and you know Idiocracy we're getting worse and not Better like everyone can see that Everyone should realize you know it's Not about your technology it's about the Kind of people you are and we're getting Worse and not better and so start off With my family so I have um three Sisters and all older than me so the Next one is my sister who's 10 years Older than me and then she had a sister That's two years older than her and There was another sister that's two Years older than her and then my brother Was uh 2 years older than than my oldest Sister and my brother brother was 17

Years older than me so my sister was 10 Years older than me and then there was a 7-year gap between her and my brother Right and so there was a you know my dad Was Italian you know uh Albanian my mom Was Irish and German and they were Catholics and there was a miscarriage Before and after me my dad was smart he Was the first an only person in his Family to go to college he had two older Sisters uh sorry three s two old uh two Sister he I think he was the oldest and He had two two he had three sisters and Two of his sisters didn't marry they Were old maids and they were their own Nightmare and his family was very Depressing and my dad grew up kind of as Ner must have been kind of nerdy you Know in the New Jersey Area and um you know kind of a loser Like just loser my mom said she married Him cuz she felt sorry for him which you Know that's not good to hear and my Parents were just very Incompetent um some examples of This they you know they just were always Screwing up and like I realized I was Smarter than them and more efficient Than them at a very young Age like we would play card games and I Would tell them what to do or board Games cuz they couldn't figure [ __ ] out Like I would just be like no you do this You do this my dad said well we should

Just be cardboard figures I'm like well Why shouldn't I even be playing these Games cuz it's like I'll just win if Like like it was just like I was always Winning cuz they and they weren't stupid It's just whatever it was like they were Just you know they were in a days they Were like you know TV people who just Didn't know how to deal with life right You know I started smoking pot when I Was 14 so I um my my friend and I built A zip line and I've recently described That and I fell off of it cuz it's Completely safe and we should never been Allowed to do this and I woke up in the Hospital and my mom was gone she was in Florida um visiting her parents or Whatever there might have been a health Issue there and so my dad who was Completely incompetent you know had to Deal with walking out into the woods Behind our house and seeing his son Laying there completely unconscious and Probably being dead and my dad was again Incompetent and didn't know what to do And so I was taken the hospital I woke Up in the hospital 12 hours later You know had a concussion and I started Getting migraine headaches and at some Point I started smoking pot because the Kids around my neighborhood were all Smoking pot and we were all in the same Grade and it just happened right was no Big deal because you know that's what

Was happening in those days almost every Kid in my high school ended up smoking Pot like the majority at least half of Them right and then probably if they Didn't do it in high school they did in College and probably you know wasn't a Big deal but it was to my parents even Though My older brother had been Vietnam and Used all kinds of Drugs he tried opium in Vietnam and you Know whatever it was and um my sister Was a you know hippie so I'm sure she Smoked pot I don't know about my two Other sisters the one didn't I think um But my younger sister probably did but My parents were freaked out you know one Of the things happened was I went to a Party I was like a freshman high school But I was like 5 foot I was like one of The shortest kids in my grade I was you Know my family were late bloomers you Know there's longevity in my family all My grandparents lived three of my Grandparents lived to 90 and the other One I've talked about this in the past My both my parents lived into their 90s And so my brother and I grew a lot later Like into our 20s and my sisters I think Were you know we were also late bloomers Because it was just different for girls Like they grow faster but still like I After I graduated college I grew two Ines

Or I mean High School I grew two inches And so anyways I went to this party like A keg party and played beer pong it was First time I got drunk and I came home My parents were having a prayer meeting There's like guns and [ __ ] in my house And I had to walk by them and I Staggered up the stairs and started Vomiting up beer in my bedroom you know It was just it was like a [ __ ] up Thing that happened right and my parents Started to worry about me and so they Decided to go to therapy and like I Didn't know what was happening because There was no conversation when I you Know my mom found my bong and my I pit It in my bean bag and I was smoking pot And they knew I was smoking pot and we Didn't never talk about it and I've told Different stories about this but there's Never one conversation we never had one Conversation about any of this stuff and We end up in therapy and this guy is a Therapist and he's missing his middle Finger and he's smoking a pipe and the Pipe is sitting right in between his Middle finger that's all I can remember Cuz I'm like stoned out of my [ __ ] Mind like I I didn't do it on purpose But this therapy was supposed to be About my drug use and I am [ __ ] baked Right and like I'm not saying a word Like I'm not like this was supposed to Be about you know this my drug use was

Supposed to be some horrible thing right But it was not anything that was ever Discussed in the whatever therapy Sessions we went in there and my dad was Arrogant and he thought he knew more Than the therapist and he was critical Of all the kids and blaming all the kids You know a lot of blame was coming out Of him but I barely remember that I Remember the guy just and he guy I think He was blowing smoke circles you know That's I remember it but he had this Pipe and he was smoking and you know and I'm sitting there and I think I was Stoned for every session so whatever Happened in that first session triggered My brother who had come back from Vietnam and he had a like horrible Relationship with my dad like hated him And everyone kind of hated my dad but Um my brother leaves and my brother now Has two Kids um maybe three three kids like he Had three sons I'm not sure when my Youngest nephew was born but he has at Least two kids and maybe three and he Leaves a session three kids cuz I was in High school and some guy cuts him off in Traffic he gets out of the car and es The guy's window and his watch flies off And breaks and he doesn't come back so He's Out he lasted one once family session um My brother had oror phobia and things

And he was suffering from all kinds of [ __ ] because of the whatever the family And you know it was just completely Incompetent the therapy didn't do Anything and whatever you know was going On with my drug use it was never Discussed I remember people being mad at Me for some reason but I was stoned so I Like didn't like it just I was like oh People are saying bad [ __ ] about me but I was like whatever was was right I was In high school but I remember a lot of Arguing and crying and people all Irritated and I think it lasted like Four sessions maybe the family stuff I Don't know it didn't last long and you Know I just knew my parents is Incompetent and my dad was just like I Remember just watching him chew at Dinner and he would put his glasses down The tip of his nose and he would look at The read the paper and he would eat real Slowly and I just wanted to stab him in The [ __ ] head with a fork like I just [ __ ] hated him just by the way he was Chewing his [ __ ] food like it was Like that kind of you know relationship In the family my mom you know again she Said I she felt sorry for him and you Know she took care of him different ways But was never in love with them like in Any kind of way or whatever it was but Two things happened um there was was Um you know when we were homeschooling

My ex was homeschooling our kids she Started to see that they had issues like Some kind of you know different learning Style and she thought they might be Dyslexic and she wasn't sure about them But when she read the stuff she was like Well you're definitely dyslexic and she Read me this Description and you Know I looked at it and I'm like oh I'm Totally dyslexic and I'm [ __ ] like 32 So I called my mom up and I had these Extensive tests at Yale where it came Out that it had really high IQ which Intimidated my parents like you know It's um like in the 140s or whatever it Is you know I'm not like a genius but You know it's high and it was high to The extent that I didn't even try at School or any of these things you know Academically I mean IQ isn't a good way To Assess intelligence but they could see That I was really smart right and people Can see you guys can see that here but I Had you know I couldn't make my my I Didn't I couldn't do the alphabet Correctly I got my B's and my D's Incorrect and so they're testing me and They never talked about the results of The tests right I'm seven like seven Eight years old and I was struggling in School and I remember they were kind of Intimidated because of the the

Intelligence like the guy said you know He's really really like smart you your Son's really smart you know you know Whatever it was like gifted or something Right um which I guess my mom kind of Told me a little bit about so I called Her up I'm in my 30s Mom I'm dyslexic She goes oh yeah you are and I'm like Why didn't you say anything like I've Been [ __ ] going around my whole life And that would have been helpful and I You had knowledge of it and you didn't [ __ ] tell me right like you didn't Think to tell me I was dyslexic like What the [ __ ] you know we had zero Conversations like I can't remember Talking to my parents ever like sitting Down and having a serious talk that Wasn't like oh you're a piece of [ __ ] Kind of thing or you know blaming or Whatever you know which at a very young Age I was able to say back to them [ __ ] About them because I saw things in them That kids just shouldn't see in their Parents you know at a younger age and as I got older and so when they would Criticize me I would say [ __ ] to them About like what what they were so they Stopped talking to Me which I guess suited me fine right Another example is when my third child Was born my daughter we were in Idaho And my mom came up for the birth and it Was interesting

Because each one of my kids like my Older son reminds me a lot of my Brother's oldest my nephew my oldest you Know I had nine nieces and nephew and my Oldest nephew is very much like you know They they had expressions and things Where I look at my son and go oh my God That just looks just like my my nephew Like like they would and they were Different people like they're definitely Have different personality traits but They're they're similar type like they Have like that's the person that I would Say was most like in my family of course There's genetics for my ex as well so There's that and then my um my de was Like my older sister and my younger Sister the two you know that were the Youngest sister and the oldest sister They're both older than me but she Reminded me of both of them like Physically and she's a really good Athlete and you know I mean just Reminded me of these two and my third Child my youngest uh reminded me of she Had the same Constitution as my mom who Was always very sick and my um middle Sister like they she just remind me of Them right and then then my my youngest Son reminds me of um my couple of my Nephews like just very similar and and My nephews like I could see you know I Could see similarities in them to each Other right my nephews and nieces and

Then there was just this part of them You know that was Romano like [ __ ] Romano right you know that my my family But I could see it you know that you Can't escape some of these things like They just had the same tendencies Mannerisms you know as other people in My family and you know some of them Whatever similarities there were to me Right there was these things but my mom Comes out and I think it was the only Time she came out for one of the births Of the four kids it was the only time And she comes to Idaho of all places She's in Florida so like across the [ __ ] country diagonally like [ __ ] You know whatever and she says she Basically says when we're sitting there And my daughter's like just been bored Like it's the day of her birth and my Mom says that I was a rape baby like my Dad forced himself on Her and you know I'm a reality based Person like I can accept hard things Hard truths but I block that out but my Ex brings it up like two years later and Now I remember it forever right like so There's you know there's that like Whatever happened between my mom and my Dad and you know my mom was I mean my Dad was you know uh I mean he was I Think sexually frustrated and you know They whatever they weren't using birth Control and I don't even know my mom was

Frail and like I don't even like get Into this whole thing but why would you Tell me right after my daughter's been Born like like it's just so [ __ ] up Thing to do right like you know probably I didn't need to know it at all I mean You didn't tell me I was dyslexic till I'm 30 but now you're telling me I'm a [ __ ] rape baby right like like it's Just it's so messed up like there's just These things you know when my parents Came down um they were doing the Meditation and we had this sort of Spiritual Gathering and it was when my Ex and I were getting together you know She was married and you know like Practitioner of the system meditation System and my parents come down and We're driving to the Grand Canyon and We're an hour away we're like in Flagstaff you know Arizona which is Whatever you know close to the Grand Canyon and my mom locks the keys to a Rental car in her [ __ ] trunk of the Car which puts us four hours later we we Finally start driving to the Grand can You like to get a locksmith out there You know it's just [ __ ] like that my Whole life like just doing incompetent Things and just and there's a misery and A depression in my family that whenever I went back and saw them like I would be Happy to see them for about an hour but Then it would just set in I think for

All of us how sucky we all were and how Sucky we felt to be around each other Right like how bad our family was and it Wasn't something that you could put your Finger on like you know abuse and you Know these things it was just miserable Depressed incompetent [ __ ] struggling Through life my dad was a guidance Counselor and he complained about having To drive to work over the mountain or Whatever it was he complained about Every day and you know just no there was Nothing there like nothing just you know Mundane in a days you know watching TV You all these things kind of like no no Like Consciousness no thought no like You know any kind of um whatever it was Like just like zest you know like any Kind of dynamic nature just trudging Through life right my brother told me a Story where his you know his his uh my Older sister and so they're two years Apart and they're walking a school he Sees his sister you know my my sister Ahead of him and she's just kind of Depressed with her head down and walking And he sees that she's struggling like She's just you know he knows he's Struggling like whatever like he kind of Knows as his family they're younger kids Right elementary school and he just Can't help her like he realized she Needs like help but he's like struggling Himself because they're just miserable

Like it's not you just I can't even you Know Des like when there's abuse you can Say there's abuse or something right you Know there's alcoholism but it wasn't And anything like that was just Miserable incompetent [ __ ] loser People right like Just Like you know my mom was you know she Was at least spiritual and she did the Rosary and she went to church and she Had a spiritual quality but she was Always worried and you know fear-based And you know making like weird decisions And making up weird [ __ ] and you know She was the better of the two like Everyone my mom was someone you could Talk to and she was more reasonable she Was you know more giving whatever and my Dad was just narcissistic and just [ __ ] stupid and like just low Consciousness he was smart like he was Really smart but he was stupid like just Whatever it was and he died basically Alone I mean my mom and him split up for A bit and just all this incompetent Stuff right and so when I was at this Treatment center I had this interaction With this kid he'd been sexually abused By his mom and he was acting out he was Just a miserable kid who's been in Institution forever I've talked about This kid before I've talked about this Story multiple times s and so at some

Point we ended up in a Timeout room and I used to do this 9:00 p.m. prayer which Is you I do it with my eyes open the kid Wasn't he didn't get restrained because He wasn't violent but he was acting out So he had to go in the timeout room he's Pacing around like I just just this kid Was just filled with anger and hatred And his mom had you know sexually abused Him there's two kids that other kid who I talked about that was sexually abused By their moms and there was other kids That their moms participated in the Abuse but those kids were always the Most [ __ ] up like just the because the Mom was the primary love Source right And the kid is walking around and you Know 9:00 p.m. we do this prayer that All everyone in the world comes to Spirituality and I'd often do the prayer You my eyes would be open but I'd be in A timeout with his kids you know they Had we when we were leaving my shift Ended at 10:00 so if they were unsettled At 9: like it was bad because there was One guy that was coming in and he had to Manage you these 14 kids and sometimes The kids would and he would go to sleep Right we found out later cuz kids would Talk about it but we had to have the Kids all settled and into their rooms so That they weren't running around like Little [ __ ] demons that they were Right like they were horrible kids and

So you know and I I the kid just all of A sudden starts crying and like I never Seen the kid cry like he was just you Know tough hardened you know Institutionalized Kid and I said you know what do you want Out of life right and he said I just Want a family that loves me and it Really affected me because you know I Was getting my degree in human services And I'd later go on to get my degree in Counseling but I realized you know you Can't help these kids their parents were So [ __ ] up and they were so far gone And you know there's the drgs of society And every person who who works in the Counseling field you have to work with The lower level people like the people Who are you know in the system some way Social services and it just it's just There you like you have to go through That and I realized I couldn't help These kids you know whatever I wanted to Do was being like some part of me wanted To help Humanity I mean that was years Ago you know now I'm like you know you Know how I am now about it because of All this because I know you can't do it I know like everyone who thinks that They can help other people but you can't Help yourself right like why why don't You fix your own [ __ ] life right you Know and so this is what I realized you Know fix your own [ __ ] life but when

I was sitting there going you know it's It it was when I got this idea that I Would uh and plus I was you know reading The Sark literature about this idea of The upliftment of people as you become a Spiritual person you lift other people Up you know and I was experiencing that From the system and I was like well Having a great family is what I needed To do like I I made that decision I'm You know 293 and I'd be married in a couple years And that you know if I wanted to make Society better if I just had you know Whatever number of kids it was like I Had no idea but if those kids were just Better than me like if I you know the Kids would just like I could provide a Better life for them that my that I had And they were better person than I was Like they were better people than I was Then that would be like just good that Would be all could do like that was Great like if I could just do that right If I could just have kids that were Better than me because if everyone did That we'd be going in the right [ __ ] Direction if each one of us you know Each of us that we got married and our Kids were better than us like if I could Create a better family than the family I Grew up in and create better Circumstances and of course I was going To talk to my kids which would be

Somewhat you know it would be much Better than what I got like my parents Never talked to me you know my dad was a Counselor and I didn't know how the [ __ ] To to get into college I had no clue This what my dad did for a [ __ ] Living right we never once had a Conversation about like it was just this Incompetence right so that's my family Right and believe it or not my ex family Was way worse her situation was way Worse right okay so I just went deep Breakfast and saw that Trump had Appointed a bunch of people from 2025 Including the co-author to his cabinet Which is Project 2025 um and some of These other things and you know I'm Going to make this a standalone Journey Series and also just Standalone video I Want everyone to hear this stuff um that Wants to you Know and so Um you know I don't want to get into too Much stuff with my actually I covered This Extensively in my journey series Especially the initial one two three and Then I redid the origin story fairly Recently But you know when I first met my ex I Drove out to see her and her family she Was married had two kids and we were Both preceptors in a region where there Was only two preceptors there's a third

One that either would move there or was There already that I didn't know about Who was near Flagstaff and that's where We had that Gathering by the um or he Was in Phoenix maybe I don't know he was In Arizona somewhere and so um upon Meeting my she told me that she had been Sexually abused by her dad like the First time we met and I noticed this Over the years she would tell people Upon meeting Them that she would tell them that she Had been sexually abused like in the First or second conversation she would Just say it she told everybody like Everybody knew and she talked about it Regularly it was like her defining Characteristic and I I learned like as We you know the end of our relationship That it was important that people knew That because she always wanted to be Considered a victim she identified as a Victim you know there's this um this Quote that I have let me see if I find It here um there's this quote from Uh the um it says this the victim stance Is a powerful one the victim is always Morally right neither responsible nor Accountable and ever and forever Entitled to Sympathy and you know part part of the Relationship stemmed from this idea that I had worked with kids who had been Sexually abused and I knew about the

Effects of sexual abuse and I was always Impressed by her ability to function Which I attributed to the sa Mark system Of meditation which she was really into At least I thought that she was into it But if you don't take responsibility for The things that happened to you and the Things that you've done in your past Lives that draw to you things in the Future then you're not really doing the Sark system and she never was able to do That cuz she always wanted to feel like A victim and used that victim this to Get other people to um you know be on Her side or you know defend her whatever It was it was a manipulation tactic that I don't even think she was conscious of It was like basically her defining Characteristic as a person that she was Always being attacked by this person or That person she was always being Victimized and you know with even her Health or whatever it was that somehow It was never her fault and you know Whatever was happening to her was just Like a good person was suffering from The you know the the bad behavior of Other people and she was good at Convincing people that was the situation And getting people to help her like that Was her you know feel sorry for her give Her sympathy or whatever she was getting Out of them and her story was that she Was sexually abused by her dad numerous

Times I mean Regularly by him um when she was a very Young kid as as long as she could Remember and the worst thing that Happened when she had come home from College now she was a very great good Student she was went to she was like one Of the top students in her high school And it was a of a rich suburb her dad Was a CEO of a company you know their Mom and dad were these you know uh Elite Level people but they didn't help her Financially and she was in poverty all Of her adult life from the time she left Home in college till you know I I guess Probably even now her whole life she's In a marital situation and she was Always complaining about a lack of money But would sabotage any chance of of any Of that happening she could have married Some millionaire she went to an Ivy League school in Boston she went to uh Welsley College which is you know where The years and years ago women used to go There so they could marry a Harvard Man Or one of the the many you know Boston Has all these Elite level schools you Know MIT Harvard and Boston College and You know a lot of them you know I don't Even know all of them right and so she Associated with million she dated some Millionaire you know from wealthy men And things like this um but she ended up Marrying some guy who was struggling

Financially who was older than her and Like kind of messed up in his own right Like she ended up leaving him when he Got a really severe Diagnosis um you know which is I'm not Going to get into all that but that you Know that was ended up how we got Together because of this you know him Having the psychological write up and Things and her being alone with a couple Kids and needing somebody to rescue her And she sucked me into that narrative Which I'm not you know I'm not claiming I'm a victim of but like I recognize What she does and who she is as a person Right but the main story you know here To kind of get a sense of where she came From in terms of her family is that her Mother used to Um buy her outfits as a young girl and She would have she would have her Daughter go and model those outfits for A husband that she would later admit That she knew had weird sexual stuff Right her dad after she um stopped him From abusing her he ended up having uh Sexually um sexual inappropriate Behavior at a high level he's like CEO Of a a Fortune 500 company and he got Fired because of his sexual uh Behavior Towards women who worked at the office And so like he had this you know he was A deviant sexual person and the Reason this uh my ex knew this was she

Went home for Thanksgiving and she had The worst sexual abuse type situation With her dad her you know the worst Incident and came back and tried to Commit suicide at her college and was Put in a support group for other women Who went to her College who were Suffering similar Circumstances they were suffering abuse At home so there was these Elite level Women who were you know who were members Of prominent Financial families who were Suffering this kind of behavior right And her um she so she went home because Of this group to confront her family Because no one else knew in the family And her dad had said if she if if they Ever knew he would leave the family Leave the his wife and he would you know He would disown every he would just Leave everybody so she came home and Told her mother her brother and her Sister and her mother gave her a long Conversation about she always knew that Her her husband was weird sexually she Said this and which meant that she was Aware of this potential and kind of Served her daughter up by sending her Her to the guy you know modeling clothes Like when she was like a little girl and He would abuse her right like it was Like a sickness there and then Um a day later she received a letter From her mom saying that she was tearing

The family apart by her telling Everybody about what happened with her Dad And it was just a long letter blaming Her for everything and telling her what Piece of [ __ ] she was so the mother Blamed her for her husband abusing her And her telling everybody about and then She was hospitalized again so I think She tried to commit suicide twice and She was a person that cut herself and You know the family was so [ __ ] up That her brother came to visit and they Were talking about some of their you Know just childhood things and the Neglect and things and we went went to An area where her brother and her Realized that they had walked like Miles When they were four and five years old Like just you know were left alone to Walk to these places and just all these Things right just completely neglect in All these ways of I mean for like a kid Who was in kindergarten walking three Miles away from their house to get Somewhere like it's just you know just These types of things right and they Both agreed that their mother was worse Their mother had the borderline Personality disorder because the brother Had looked into it and figured out and My ex you know I realized she had that As well and um her ex was given this Diagnosis so there was the borderline

Personality is one of the worst ones People think about the narcissistic Personality disorder or the antisocial Personality disorder which used to be The old Sociopath so anti-p personality is the What used people used to call sociopath Or Psychopath but you know she had these Issues and her mom even though her mom Was you know physically abusive and my Ex had you know was Tales of her mom Hitting her one time her mom punched her In the back and she went blind like she Couldn't see and when she went to Therapy years later and the guy the guy Said oh you're a true Hysteric because she had this condition Called hysterical blindness and so Really [ __ ] up right this family was Really [ __ ] up because if the dad's a Sex offender and he's the better of the Two parents you're in a [ __ ] up family Right and so how that translated you Know my ex was apparently or projected Or claimed to be a devoted person s Mark System and I knew that she was a lot Better off by her stories and just her Behavior because she did Sark like she Had been institutionalized right and she Was you know I mean she had been locked Up in Psych Wars had tried to commit Suicide and she had a lot of issues she Was stalked and a lot of bad behaviors

And a lot of things very promiscuous and She had all these things you know very Atrisk Behaviors and she had you know pulled it Enough together and you know I thought That her first marriage was more her Ex's fa and she she was good at Convincing me of that which I'm clear Now wasn't because the same conditions Were there and in our marriage right so Just it was continuation of her victim And victimhood and all these things and Her need to be a victim and framing Whatever narratives that were going on In her life in that way where she was a Helpless victim and everything was Unfair and she she didn't do anything or Do wasn't responsible at all for any of The things that were happening to her Either either in a previous existence Which is the Sark philosophy in terms of S scaras but the many bad mistakes and Bad decisions and things the way she Would behave and her attitudes and the The nightmare environment that she Created around her and when we have a Normal argument and disagreements now I Can be a real [ __ ] because of my Family and you know we are just I mean Just the reason I don't like hanging out With my family you know I have that same Stuff in me as they do right like I Don't want to be around them because you Know of the way they are and I'm like

Them right so you know there's that kind Of element and so I would say harsh Things and mean things and you know I Was insightful and it took me a long Time to realize that you know I would See things in other people that they Wouldn't see in themselves and when I Pointed those things out it was pretty Hard for them to hear right and I Thought that they everyone just saw it And you know whatever it was and so you Know my ex had a positive side she was Really smart she had you know a Visionary personality and she would Delude herself to be in these positive States you know false hope but there was Something inside her that would always Sabotage any chance of her being happy You know her wanting to be a victim and Her internalization of her abuser and Whatever she brought in from her past Life you know she was born on Halloween And she would tell story she would talk About how she had past life experience And memories of being burnt at the stake As a witch and you know whatever went Along with that so she remembered being Victimized Lifetimes for you know not just this Lifetime and this kind of attitude of Being a victim and she would provoke Conflict with people and when they would React to her she would claim to be a Victim she would never take

Responsibility for the way she would Provoke people she would always try to Instigate fights with me and as I Matured and I realized it was a Nightmare situation I tried to resist Her trying to provoke me you know as as Our relationship went on and then we Would have these arguments and she Started punching herself and saying like Slapping herself in the face and Punching her legs and saying these are What your words are doing to me and you When you know you you make me want to Kill myself and she would run and get a Knife and pretend that she was going to Cut her wrists and you know sometimes You know whatever threaten suicide to The point where some of my kids later on Would be hiding her knives like if I Knew that we were getting to an argument I would take all the knives and hide Them like that's how [ __ ] up my life Was right and it was one [ __ ] up thing After another and she was very eccentric At some point I realized we were screwed Like I I knew she wasn't getting better And I just was like I can't leave and I Just had to suck it up and you know deal With my shitty situation and I was Depressed and like hopeless and waking Up every day you know never thinking That things could change or get you know Turned for the better and you know this Was the environment my kids grew up in

And uh when we were having these really You know bad arguments my said my Daughter Anna was an empath and we Should put her in the middle of the Argument I mean there are arguments Where my ex would get suicidal and like She would flip out just get [ __ ] Crazy like she would just like there was A time where she ran out to our old barn And she took off her shirt it's middle Of it's like November this time of year And oftentimes like when it would come Around this time of year Thanksgiving Area when this bad incident happened at Two consecutive thanksgivings the one Where she was really Uh abused you know her worst incident With her dad and then the confronting Her family and telling everybody the Following Thanksgiving so Thanksgiving Was always a horrible time for her and She would you know she would relive out This issue and it would also often in Involve her trying to pick a fight with Me or something and she would we had This really bad argument lasted for days At some point she was out in the barn And I'm like I better go [ __ ] get her Cuz you know whatever it was I think she Had a knife on her and so I went out There and we had this Loft in this Broken down old barn that was held Together by a rusty old wire and like I Don't know how this thing was still

Standing and she was in the hay loft and She had no shirt on it was freaking Freezing it's like you know below you Know like freezing temperatures below 32° uh and she was rocking back and Forth with a knife pressed to her chest And she looked like she was [ __ ] in The Exorcist right her head was bobbing And [ __ ] [ __ ] like I was like oh my God right and so like she would just Flip out and so putting my daughter in The middle of that situation I'm like That's a horrible idea we don't want Like I did all I could to make sure my Kids weren't anywhere around us when we Were arguing like they were upstairs or They out playing or doing something Because I didn't you know they knew it Was going on they could hear it but you Know I didn't want them um you know Seeing their mom like that she had a Couple instances where she she had Psychotic breakdowns around them and Jesus Christ and so you know my family Sucked and like I said I can't really Describe it because it isn't as easy to Describe how my family sucked but my Family was much more healthy than this You know craziness that she came from Right like the abuse and the you know The the mental illness and the you know All of it and so at some point my Daughter started to be because she Wanted to be in the middle of these

Fights and It triggered in her she was already you Know had issues it triggered in her Copycat Behavior where she started to Threaten suicide and she started to pick Up knives like she was going to kill Herself and you know these things right Because she saw my ex she saw her mom Doing this and she started copying these Behaviors and she already was kind of Difficult kid and really had problems But then she just went over the edge and Like you know and I don't know how much That event you know it was inevitable or Whatever it was and you know she had Issues like all my kids have some like There's mental issues that run in in my Ex's family there's mental issues that Run my family but you know these are Hers are much worse right like these big Time diagnos you know diagnosable things Like her brother did all this research Trying to figure out you know how [ __ ] Up his family was and like they were Both children of Alcoholics and they Were only children and you know all the Things that were wrong with them right B One you know his his mom had border Around borderline personality disorder And other things and you know she was so [ __ ] up and manipulative and so you Know my ex was just not getting better Because she was attached to these demons Inside of her you know she was carrying

Around her her abusers her parents with Her it was dominated her in her world And she would sabotage any chance of Success like I realize that towards the End of our relationship that we never Amount to anything because she would Never be successful she would always Sabotage whatever projects we were doing Whatever was going on and you know my Kids were [ __ ] up by the situation and You know I feel like my family is Probably better I mean I don't know my Parents suck so bad but doesn't matter Certainly wasn't I didn't do what I Wanted to do and we had this Intergenerational family farm and my Kids don't get along with each other now And you know always hope that they would Have each other at least and of course My daughter Anna commits suicide she was Just such an aw person you know because Of these conditions and all of it right Like by the time she was a teenager she Was just really bad you know violent and Manipulative and you know Self-destructive she was cutting herself All the time and whatever I did to try To reason with her there just wasn't any Of it you know she just wasn't there's Just no doing that and I thought when She got away from the Family that you know maybe she' do Better but she started doing drugs she Did LSD somebody gave her a gun like one

Of her friends she just had a gun and She was the last person in the world That would ever want to have a gun like I was hoping she wouldn't get her Driver's license cuz I didn't think that She'd be somebody who should be behind The wheel of a car because she was so Impulsive she was you know she was Really impulsive and made really bad Decisions so she committed suicide I Think in 200000 and um I don't know how many Years ago as it's been it's been um Since 2021 I went looked at up she has Like a tribute page now you know Um I talked about it on here at my YouTube channel and all these people I Said please don't say anything because Like you'll watch the video maybe a year From now and you'll just say something Like I'm sorry to hear about your Daughter and you know just bring it back Up you know like it's just not going to Help you know and people had said over The years you know I wish you were my Dad you know you know all these things Like this right and and you know it's Saying that my daughter committed Suicide like there's just no way and Even just this thing that I've said to You a little bit about my life and a Little bit about my ex's life and a Little bit about my family's life and There were really good times in my

Family there were things we did together And you know especially when the kids Were younger and they played so well Together and there was Harmony and then We had a farm they learn to milk and you Know be with the cows and there was you Know incidences and breakdowns and Arguments with my ex and but I always Had like hope that it would get Better and the hope I had was mostly in The Sark system because it had Transformed me like I was a low Functioning person who became a much Higher functioning person because of Sark and for my kids I had hoped that When they got old enough to do the System that they would be able to be Better people and that happened my three Older kids started together in India um The commish had reduced the age of you Could start when you were 15 it used to Be 18 and my kids were 15 16 and 17 so They all started at once and they all Did the meditation they went to Meditation with their friends were all Doing it at once like they all a big Young group of young kids that were all There at the asham started at the same Time and my kids were I could see the Effects that it was having on them you Know even at a young age like they were Just better and it was like it was Inspiring and Anna was like her best Time like she just was for about a month

She was just like a better person and I Knew this could happen like I have full Faith in Sark system but I now know that There are a lot of people who benefit From the Sark system that either quit or Just went South of course the the master Of the system dodgy and my ex like Whatever was going on with her the System wasn't going to help her enough To she wasn't going to conf front her The darkness within her and you know I Had a conversation with her at one point And this was a turning point in our Relationship so I was doing research on MK Ultra mind control and I was Listening to all these women who were Saying they were victims of this system Where they were sexually abused and it Had twisted their personalities and they Showed multiple personalities my ex had Showed like one time we were watching This movie my daughter Anna found this Documentary Called buck and it was about this guy Who he had suffered severe physical Abuse by his dad his dad just beat the [ __ ] out of him very violent and he Became a horse whipper and he told the Librarian somehow the librarian um my ex Or my um daughter had told the librarian About it and the librarian had horses And she changed the whole way she dealt With horses you know where they were Using a lot of force and a lot of you

Know whipping and you know uh the bridal You know the the bit you know the bit That they put in the horse's mouth which Is you know painful for the horse and Because of this movie she was changing The whole way she approached her horses So we went to watch the documentary Together and it was pretty brutal it was Not really for kids and my ex started to Get like I could feel her she was Sitting next to me on the couch and she Started to tighten up and it was the you Know the trauma of the abuse that this Guy's story triggered whatever she grew Up with and she just age regressed and Turned into a 2-year-old girl like right In front of my kids and she went into The bedroom it was she was taking little Steps like she was and I never knew if This was [ __ ] or it was an act like I could never I can't really tell you Even now how much of it was performative I know some of it was real but some of It was definitely performative and she Started talking like like a 2-year-old Girl like this like infant you like you Know three-word sentences right and this Happened a bunch of times times where She would have like mental breakdowns She another time she she went and she Was like a little girl for like a day Like after an argument and just all These things right um and she just you Know she just

Um would have this like psychotic Breakdowns and other times there was Like I felt like there was either Demonic entities coming through her or You know alternate personalities or both Whatever it is right So I'm watching this you know I'm doing Research into the MK Ultra and I'm Watching these videos of these women Talking about what happened to them and My ex had exactly the same symptoms and The exact same thing and her dad was you Know I don't know if he was a Freemason Or as a part of this like I don't think He was but you know the behavior that She had the circumstances she had gotten You know that she she had grown up with Were very similar to these MK Ultra mind Control programs and I was like holy [ __ ] right and so I sit her down and I'm Talking to her about it and she starts Like falling apart and she says you know I feel like this is all true but if I Have to confront this I'll be Schizophrenic and I'll be locked in the Hospital for the rest of my life and I'm Like holy [ __ ] right and that's when I Knew like I was [ __ ] like there was She wasn't getting better because she Was going to have to confront her abuse And take responsibility and you know you Know all the things that and and realize That she had done things in the past Life that you know that created the

Circumstances in her present life Because that's what we believe as as Aasis of the meditation right and she Was never going to do that and like for About two weeks I was just like what the [ __ ] am I going to do and I'm trying to Think about you know I mean some of it Is just I'm so depressed and and I'm Just like you know I mean like life is Just miserable like every day and I'm Trying to figure out like a way that you Know that we could get divorced or Whatever it was and the kids were being Homeschooled and they were all behind Cuz my ex couldn't you know she had Years wanted to homeschool she did Research and she was great at Researching things and she had all these Programs and all these dreams about Homeschooling but then when Tak time to Homeschool the kids she wouldn't do it Like she was just dragging her feet and Then she just sabotaged it for years and You know the kids got you know like like Good education at times but it was so Inconsistent she was having breakdowns And mental breakdowns and health Breakdowns and she was constantly having Health issues and you know it was just a Mess and the kids were all behind and You know I was like I can't leave the Kids alone with her like she's going to Get like custody she'll get the majority You know so I'm I'm thinking about my

Options and we're broke we're poor and Just you know there's no there's just no Way to [ __ ] do it right like I'm like I'm stuck I'm [ __ ] stuck in this Thing with somebody who's completely [ __ ] up and isn't going to get get Better and if they try to get better They're going to she's going to like Have this meltdown right and like I'm Like sitting there just like realizing Like this is it for you you're just Stuck in this situation and you can't Get out of it right like there's no There's no there's no solution you just Got to live with this reality and so I Just said I just got to be really Positive and loving it isn't my nature To be like you know restrain myself from Being critical or saying negative things But I just say you just can't do it Anymore you got to just you know Whenever we get into a fight it sets us Back whenever we get into an argument it Sets us back for weeks and you just got To just resist any kind of you know Provocation I mean she would like try to Provoke me she would say you're going to Hit me big man she would like get in my Face and try to you know get me to I Mean she was just brutal like just like [ __ ] sucky right and you know I mean I'm an [ __ ] so like like I would say Mean things and you know I would you Know I know how to say things that heard

People cuz I could read their you know Them psychologically and I would do that So you know I I say things that you know Really upset people and you know that I Shouldn't say right and back then it was Much worse now I'm you know kind of over It like I just you know whatever I say Here like that's kind of harsh or you Know crosses the line it was much worse Than that like you know I would and it Was much more personal cuz it was people I was in relationships with right okay So I just went with the walk went on to Walk with my Dogs um it's cold outside and I realized I'm going to release this thing as a Standalone video on Thanksgiving um it's going to be called Some days sometimes it's Thanksgiving And you're the Turkey which you'll already have read um You know it's like a Thanksgiving Day Message but not you know whatever it is But let me just say this Um so you Know things did get better for me Obviously like I wouldn't have been able To do this YouTube Channel had I stayed in that you know I Had a YouTube channel but I wouldn't be Able to do it the way I'm doing it now It really took off when my ex we were in India my ex left to come back to America Right and you know I had to be somewhat

In denial like I had to have false Hope and You know that was Because Um it's just was necessary right like it Was just something that like had to be There because I couldn't survive Otherwise like I had to delude myself Into seeing things that you know there Was always potential and we always had a Good time we always had you know fun Times and and good times right but you Know as I started to see it and was more Realistic about the Circumstances like I didn't find any way That we could be able to turn things Around like as we moved for long the Kids got older and older you know my Daughter Anna was acting out more and More my other daughter was sick all the Time my other son was acting out in Different ways like they were all issues The family had issues and you know there Just didn't seem to be any way that we Could you know I was trying things I Wrote the book the choice I was doing Things with the YouTube channel is Trying things to to make our economic Circumstances better and you know all These different things things that Um some way of like reversing and and Accentuating the positive because There's always positive things to build On right you know as in getting my

Master's degree in counseling one of the Good courses I took this there was a guy Was one of the better teachers there at The program and he was showing different Techniques and psychological models Behind group therapy like how you would Do group therapy and there was this one Guy he identified I have no idea what The guy's name is but you know he was a Famous person that wrote books in the Psychological world and he identified Something like 15 healing factors things That bring about Healing and one of those was identifying The health like if you were dealing with A family you know often times there's Somebody who's the holding the family Together and ironically everyone in my Family thought it was them you know You know like and it was definitely [Laughter] Me um and So and so um you know like you there's One person that's the health of the Family often oftentimes it's a kid you Know the parents are [ __ ] and the kids You know whatever and you have to Identify that person and support them Because if they snap the whole family's Coming down the whole you know work you Find this at work and you know Organizations and teams There's people that are just holding Things together and they're absorbing a

Lot of the other [ __ ] from the the Acting out people the people that are Less functioning right and so you know There's these healing factors but one of The things you need to have is hope you Have to believe that things could get Better and they can get better but often Times it isn't about your circumstances Or material circumstances changing it's About you changing and being more Realistic and accepting what you have And it's dealing with it right and so my Family and I had this intergenerational Family farm plan where we were going to Have a piece of land and the kids were All going to have houses on this land And we'd support each other you know We'd be able to I mean it would be the You know the having because of all the Things we went through as a couple Having no support system having a lot of Kids and having a lot of stress and so It seemed like you know given the Circumstances of the future the way the World was going and having to a place Where we could grow food and you know Work together as like you know an Oldfashioned family like a frontier Family right and I knew that was [ __ ] Like you know at that point I knew it Was [ __ ] you know we went on an Extended camping trip and there were Good moments and the kids came through In different ways and like I have good

Memories of these things but there was Just you know everything was going south And my ex and I you know we just would Have these periodic fights and there was Clear disagreement and when I made that Decision to be really loving towards her Like I wasn't going to be as much of an [ __ ] and I wasn't going to react to Her like trying to Pro like by that time I wasn't complaining or criticizing her Very much anyway because I recognize When we have an argument it would it Brought us to hell so I would do Anything just to avoid an argument Because it just you know sucked the life At it was just you know horrible and I Started being real positive and and Loving and trying to focus on you know Gratitude and being grateful for the Good things that had as soon as I did That she turned like before when I was a Real [ __ ] like especially in the Beginning of the Rel relationship she Thought I was the you know she thought I Was like great and you know was totally You know loving and whatever and I was You know stressed out and and you know Negative and now that was being Completely positive she um and loving She like Turned because like that's not What she it was like she didn't want That right like it was it was something That she claimed she wanted but she Didn't want want that but anyways um so

There's one time we were you know we Were settling in it was probably around Dinner time and we you know we went we Went camping for like three months went To these different campsites and there's Great things about it but you know and My younger Daughter who you know shared a room with Anna and you know Anna had been so Difficult and provocative but you know They all had issues right but my younger Daughter used to like just she would let Things build up and then she would kind Of get really angry explode you you'd Almost always ver verbally she wasn't Physical like she didn't get into fights With her other siblings but she would Get so mad at one of the kids and then She would just launch into like hours of Like all these like laundry listing all The reasons the other person was a piece Of [ __ ] right she would just hold it all In and she just snapped on Anna and she Started crying and ran towards her and Just physically started to attack her But she was much smaller than Anna and Anna started to beat her up and we Pulling them apart and we pulled Anna You know apart and like Anna got pissed And she ran over and grabbed a Knife you know I had this knife that I Used to cook food with you know a Kitchen knife and it was really sharp And it was in a plastic case and it's a

Big you know chef's knife right And and I saw it and my son saw it and You know my oldest son and we knew if Anna got that case off the plastic a Case that someone's going to the Hospital like she was going to attack Somebody or hurt herself and whatever it Was it was bad like she was really Impulsive and she was really like Hysterical and so we grab her and the Knife and we're rolling around in the Freaking ground and it's like we're Right in a patch of poison ivy like I'm Very sensitive to it because I've had it You know number of times and you know All of us just I'm doing everything to Hold the case of the knife and then it's Like you know I she' get violent and Like scratch and bite and like do Animalistic type of like you know I mean [Laughter] She and you know and I'm like oh my God What kind of family do I have you know Like this is you know this is just bad You know like this horrible stuff you Know and later on she she would say that She was going to trying to commit Suicide and you know like if somebody Got caught and we had to bring them to The hospital if it was one of the kids Particularly there'd be an investigation The cops would be involved Social Services I mean it's just it'd be a mess And I kept on trying to tell Anna this

It's just because I said you know They're going to institutionalize you And that's what ended up happening to Her after she left she cut herself Really bad my older son walked in on her My ex um my younger son was coming to Visit he lived with with me and he was Coming to visit and my ex decided to Exclude Anna from seeing him because she Was so [ __ ] up at the time or using Drugs and she didn't want me to know About it or whatever her motivation was She decided not to tell my younger son Uh tell Anna that my younger son was Coming to visit and Anna found out and She cut herself and my older son walked In and she was bleeding so bad she had To go to the emergency room and they Locked her up and put her on a Psychiatric hold and they roughed her up Which I knew they would cuz she's so you Know she's so Oppositional Defiant and You know they have these big orderlies There and then she was locked up in a Psych War she I knew she wouldn't do Well that I kept on saying to her you Know your mom you know was about the Same time she was at the same age as her Mom her my ex was when she went into Like these things just you know these Cycles just keep on repeating themselves Right and there's just these genetic Dispositions in these families you know Like I know how tough it is to be a

Romano and like I don't even know in Terms of my ex's family like it's you Know they have my kids have that in them Right the genetics and the you know and Some of the social aspects of that you Know family but you know and I'm saying All this because you know there's times Where denial and hope false hope or just Necessary to get you by but at some Point reality is reality and you have to Deal with it and like I had to deal with It like my kids weren't weren't going to Have an intergenerational Family Farm And you know I had put everything into That right like I didn't have a career To speak of and you know the farm thing I mean it was a whole thing that my Family we went all in on and I kept on Doing things you know to try to um you Know better our situation but but my ex Would sabotage him and it was just Whatever it was right and you know the Relationship wasn't good cuz we when You're in a family like that like Everybody's defensive and tight and you Know they're just trying to survive Themselves and they just don't have like My brother seeing my sister walking to School and just knowing she was hurting But couldn't help her right and like you Know that's how my family was and Certainly my ex's family and we tried to Do something better but of course you Know there was just no chance it was

Like there was doomed you know and I Realized we were doomed like we went to India and it just became more and more Clear and then of course there was the The splitting up and you know all these Things and I have you know not much of a Relationship with you know my two Surviving kids and of course they had a Suicide and you know my son's living Here and you know he's he's getting Better like he's you know got a job now And he's he's trying to you know figure Things out but he has these things he Has to overcome like all of them and you Can't do it for them right and I'm Saying this because we're we're in a Similar situation in our you know in our In our whole world our culture all the People in the world are in this Situation we're on the cusp of something Bad you know and there's lots of good Things like you can always look at the Good things and you know some of the Good things are you know there's the There's the front of the building and Then there's the back of the building Like you see some beautiful building That's owned by some bank right and you See the you know the front of the Building you see these well-dressed People secretaries and you know people Like a big you know corporate bank or Something or or whatever it is Corporation and all these well-dressed

People in their fancy cars and suits and Beautiful offices but then you find Where they're making their money and how They're making their money and it's Gross and it's criminal and it's immoral It's Inthalo there's a front of our society You know there's you know what things People want to see it's like the you Know people's Facebook pages there's What people want want to see and then There's what really goes on in their Family or really what's going on in Their internal world or their lives Right and sometimes you just got to deal With the Suck you know things suck you know even Good things suck like there's not you Know there's you know all the people That I worked with and seeing over the Years all these you know little sex Offenders and all these people counseled And you know I would see moments even The worst people my my friends who were The worst sort of degenerate kind of People or you know was in college or you Know all these things you would see Moments where people rise up and there's Their higher nature comes out I mean Everyone has moments like that and there Are moments when you find be around Saints and higher developed spiritual People where they'll have a low moment Or they'll just you know be in a in a

You know they'll be self selfish or Self-pitying or you know victim feel Like a victim or you know everyone has Their good their time where their their Ego takes over and their soul takes over For the Saints it's just something that They do it's it becomes something as They're moving forward more and more It's their soul that is I don't want to Say dominates because the soul doesn't Dominate it's much more gentle but their Soul is their you know primary state of Being is coming from their Essence and And they are service oriented and you Know they're just good people and then You know people who are criminal or Negative they have flirt with their Higher nature at times but their lower Nature wins out right but there's always In that sense hope that the person's Going to be better but your Circumstances are your circumstances and If our civilization collapses and There's World War III and things go South there's no hope for that like That's you know it's just going to be That way right like if you're family Collapses or your economy collapses or You get cancer you know or you get Something terminal you're going to die Right might not be initially but you Might last 10 years but you know you're You're you're now facing death right Whatever it might be you know if you're

Younger sure maybe you you overcome Something but you're never going to be The same right you're just it's going to Be worse and that's just what happens as You get older you lose the ability to do Things you're not functioning as as well Your body is not working as well and and You're getting closer and closer to your Inevitable death right which is just What it is right it's just what happens It's not bad oftentimes you could say It's good it's never bad I mean it's Tragic for the people who miss you sure If there are people love you and people Depend on you or people who you know who I if you're a good person and and you'll Be missed and you know your soul and Your presence will be missed then yeah It sucks for those people when somebody Good dies it sucks but there's you know When somebody who's not so good dies It's usually just a relief for everybody Right like when my dad died I don't know If anybody in my family cried or was sad Like I wasn't certainly sad and not Because I was angry at him or you know Like I felt like he's a piece of [ __ ] The last time I saw him he was you know My kids went I went down to see my Parents was like a year before my dad Died a year and a half and I looked at My dad and he was a walking skeleton and I'd seen him a couple of times and you Know he'd always been fat he always had

A pot belly he called his lebano which I Guess was some I guess it was lebano I Don't Know something with an L that had an Italian sound to it um and you know like He was just a a walking skeleton he Couldn't see he had a nurse come in Bathe him like he was just he couldn't Eat because he had like his digestive System was shot and he was scared Shitless of dying and I was like oh my God Jesus Christ This Guy's I mean like I I I pied him he looked like a Gollum Like I looked at him he looked like Gollum you know my kids didn't care they Didn't know like but I'm like oh my God Right and this is bad and you know my Mom was suffering trying to take care of Him but as soon as he died she died like Right like six months afterwards and she You know she didn't really have any Purpose or maybe a year afterwards but Like somehow taking care of my dad was All she was like doing even though she Complained about it and she was looking Forward to you know not having burden I'm sure to some extent but you know it Was just pathetic and depressing you Know the the house was 90 Dees and you Know my kids and I were sleeping on the Floor and I'm like oh my God D it's 80 Degrees outside it's in FL [ __ ] Florida they got the heat on like why do You even have heat in Bon Florida when

Do you ever need heat I mean even the W The winers and they got the heat on like 90 degrees and my dad's listening to the Marlins you know baseball team game Because you can't see and my mom's in Another bed room listening watching the Game and they they weren't like sinking Up totally like the TVs like I'm like what kind of hell is This right but again like this get back To my original Point here you know that Everybody goes through difficult periods And whatever that is for you and your Life can get better like whatever it is Like your life can improve I mean after So many years and you know but then There's inevitable things that happen in The new life and then of course there's Death right for all of us but sometimes The hope of you know your life can get Better but not in the circumstances You're in now like my life wasn't going To get better in the family I was in my Kids you know I had I mean the family Was toxic to them and you know they were Going to have to go out in the world and You know sometimes when you leave your Family often times when you leave your Family you're able to just bloom a Little bit right like things that were Suppressed things that you weren't Able to access and just some of it has To be because you have to start taking Care of yourself and you're forced to go

Do things that you weren't forced to do Before because your family was you know Taking care of you or whatever your Parents were you know so there's a when When adults young adults leave their House and they have to go out on their Own you you know you have to either sink Or swim and most people swim to some Extent and you know there's some Movement and there's some you know Growth there and it's a you know it's a Good time and you're young and you have Your whole life ahead of you right but You still have your issues and your subs Scaras and other people are [ __ ] up And you know you're more likely than not You're going to have a [ __ ] up Marriage and a [ __ ] up kids and [ __ ] Up family and [ __ ] up job and all These things right and so you know if You don't great but if that's the case You know and that's just what you have To deal with and you know false hope and Denial are may be necessary just to to Believe it can be it can get better but At some point facing reality and Accepting it like you know being Grateful for it and looking at as an Opportunity and going within right like If the world goes south you can find Refuge within it's talked about quite Often Sark system being able to to go Inside and you know people do that like They're in jail or they're you you're in

The bed sick and you just go inside and You have your own internal universe and You know whatever it is and you might Dream about something better materially But also you can connect to the you're The Divinity within you and just gain Sustenance from that right Which is you know again A A system that I have 100% faith in but I don't you Know people struggle with because people Struggle with everything people [ __ ] up Anything because that's you know kind of What we are right now but if you're Going to be grateful to God you got to Be grateful to God for everything not The blessings you know when a guy scores A touchdown he points towards God and He's you know interviewed after the Football game and say God is great well What about when you lose is God still Great You know they're celebrating because They have a victory and they're they Played well or whatever what about when You play Bad is God great then right is God great when you know things go south And bad things happen to you and so is Are is God still in charge of those Things like it's just that God God only Blesses you and then if bad things Happen what that's the devil doing Things to you right it's just you know Doesn't work like that like everything Comes from God or nothing comes from God

And you know it just takes a few bad Days one bad day where people are like [ __ ] you God right you know like you Know people who are religious and Spiritual and you know and they're like God why did you do this to me you know Jesus father why have thou why H haast Thou forsaken me he's tacked up to a Cross his disciples have turned on him People are throwing [ __ ] at him and Spitting on him and you know humiliating Him and treating him like [ __ ] he's like F God why did you do this to me why have Why why have you forsaken me right why Have you forsaken me God you know father Because you know he felt like he had Right and so you know the crucifixion Such a big part of the Christian Literature but Jesus wasn't [ __ ] it Like you know he wasn't thinking the Crucifixion was a blessing he was like God why have you allowed this to happen Why are these people so sucky and you Know why is this the way it is right and Who hasn't said that in their life who Hasn't said oh God why have you why is It so [ __ ] sucky down here why won't You do something why you let you know Why don't you make this world better Than this you know so there's that but If you're going to believe in God you Have to believe that all these things Are you know that's why it's a a you Know test of faith right to be grateful

In these circumstances and you know Thanksgiving is about being grateful and In all it of its you know flaws and Things it has a it's probably the best Holiday in the sense that you know again Everybody but the turkey but you know Being grateful and expressing your Gratitude and being grateful and Thinking about the things that you're Grateful for and accepting the things That are bad for you knowing that They're there for a reason and they're There for your inevitable benefit you Know and all those things that I've gone Through the things that I told you you Know again this is a clip notes a Cliffnotes version of it you know it's Made me better at what I do here like It's just gave me a perspective and Insight into human beings and things That I wouldn't have otherwise you know Because I've met Saints and I've met Like the worst and the best people I've Met the highest and the lowest and I've Seen everybody you know in between and I Have like I I believe a real realistic Understanding of the conditions on Planet Earth and what needs to happen to Make things better and it isn't saving This society and making America great Again and all these trumpers who have False hope CU everyone can see the Country's falling apart and the world's Falling apart but very few people are

Willing to go there and realize it and Then accept and start preparing Themselves for the worst and that is Whatever it is people have to make their Own choices you got to do you right but You know at some point reality is going To set it only spiritual value will save This world it's Paul Roman definely Point for the Apocalypse in the Ascension everyone have a blessed day And be Grateful E E E E E E E E E e